This Motherfucker

OK ... so for some time now everyone knows that Love and I have been having issues. His thing is that "when it's good, it's really good. when it's bad, it's really bad." Understandable, but the "BAD" is because he is one of the sneakiest motherfuckers I have ever met! And you can call me fucking Angela Landsbury, cause imma figure shit out sooner or later, TRUST!

So I been real stressed at work, got a birthday coming up,going back to school in a couple of weeks, and i'm dealing with the loss of this relationship. Normally I would just go out and pull the hottest yellow man I can find and lose myself in someone new, but my dumb ass is still holding out hope that things will work out. That reminds me that I have to post this description that a friend forwarded to me about LEO's some time ago. It was so true about my personality and how I deal with people.

Anyway Love went to Miami for pride on Memorial Day weekend. We didn't speak at all b/c he decided to go with a group of people and excluded me. It wouldn't have been a problem if not the previous year when all his friends flaked on him, I had to plead with my friends to allow him to come and stay with us or just get a room with him. I mean he is my man so how could I just leave him. Well the same doesn't go for this bitch right here... my ass was dropped faster than you can say "how you doin?"

While there he meets what he will later call "someone he hasn't seen in a while". Now i've know about this for some time. See I am on the Atlanta club scene, gay and straight. I know all the promoters (even dated a few), know mostly all the bartenders (even dated a few), and generally interact with most people. So everyone knows that he and I are together and they will spill T. I mean my girls will hit me up as the shit is going down. So I was already pissed b/c I was stuck in Atlanta and this motherfucker is down there getting life from the boys. I hold it in and didn't say anything. I didn't call him either... the whole time he was there. What the fuck was I going to say... um "I hope you are having a great time on the trip that you didn't think to take me on.... or any fucking trip that your selfish ass has planned for you "partner" or 4 years."

So last night I cancelled dinner with my friends and just chilled at home until he called:

Me: Hey

Love: Wassup

Me: I need to ask you some questions and I need your complete honesty. I mean I think I at least deserve that after 4 yrs. and this "friendship" that you would like to develop

Love: uuummmm ok

Me: Are you seeing anyone else, like dating or getting anyone's number or hanging out with anyone?

(I'm waiting for the lie at this point b/c I know that he won't admit anything unless he has an inclination that I know something. The fact that I brought this up out of the blue tells him that I know something)

Love: Wellllll no. I mean, uuuummmmm.... I met someone I use to know while I was in Miami but I not.... Bristol, i'm not talking to anyone, dating anyone, or trying to get to know anyone. Why did you meet someone else?

Me: Really... No, I havn't met anyone... back to this Miami business. I don't understand how you seem to be meeting all these people that are "old" friends when I am never around and I never see you hanging with them or talking to them when i'm around and none of your current friends (of the last 7 yrs in atlanta) seem to know them. It just seems strange and unbelievable to me.

Love: Well its the truth.

Me: The thing is for me to be friends with you, I at least need to know that you were not cheating on me while we were together (which will always be an unknown with him) and to know that honesty is the first thing I expect from a friend.

Love: Bristol, I love you and I wish that things were different but there are issues right now and I just can't... I have a headache

So at this point I just sit the phone down... for Love a "headache" means that the conversation is over and he is going to have a cigarette. I already know this and nothing said past this point is even going to register so why the fuck even try. We literally sit there with the phone on speaker for the next 30 mins. not saying anything to each other and finally I tell him that its obvious that

Me: I just need to let this die and focus my attention on someone that is actually looking for the same things as me. Someone that I can trust will be there til the end and I can be secure in and with.

Love: I need to get my ass a job and get back to Atlanta.

Me: You do that and I will continue to do what I can to help you out. (When I think about all the time and energy spent on trying to do and help someone who will stab you in the back and lie to your face.)

Love: Goodnight... I love you

Me: I love you

Hangup... I just let out a fucking scream... shed the tears that needed to come. A couple of mins later my friend hit me up with a text about his homeboy that tried to talk to me at the club this past weekend. I probably won't go out on a date with him cause it's too soon and no one should have to deal with me in this state right now.

Moral of the story: When one door closes, another one opens. Its up to you open that new door.