So just wanted to get this post out while I was thinking about it. Love made a comment the other day that I should start my own blog because I have alot to say... funny because I feel that he may have stumbled across this already or maybe not. Anyway this past year has been full of more ups and downs with Love. From meeting a new guy, Westie, to giving up that relationship to get back with Love, old people reappearing in life, buying a house and dog with Love and us trying to fix our relationship for the past year, and the random queens who keep appearing. Major issue number 1... Love and I have not had intercourse since October of last year. None of our friends believe it and I really don't know how much longer I can hold out. How do you express your genuine love for someone with the physical need for intimacy/sex? This is causing major conflict daily in our relationship and we are at the point of looking to go to counseling. I miss the feeling of being wanted, held, comforted, and safe with my man and going into the remainder of this year I will do my part to make this work. BUT... I make this promise to my myself, if by 2011 we are still in a sexless relationship I will move on because I deserve someone who is willing to make it work!
Anyway I want to start posting more positive information/random shit and not have it be so much about my relationship, but that is the thing that is so present in my mind daily. School is going ok and work is ok to. Oh yeah, Love and I are taking our first vacation together (no one else involved) ever next weekend. I can commend him for listening to me and I hope everything turns out good. There I go again... talking about his ass....
Friday, September 10, 2010
Thursday, September 24, 2009
What's Next?
So, I know it has been like 2 months since my last post. Much has happened from me going back to school, breaking up with LOVE, going on a couple of dates with a new guy, getting back together with LOVE, and much, much more. I will start back my regular posting soon.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
R. I. P.
November 12, 2005 - July 14, 2009
The end of Bristol and Love
Text Messages
Me: I think its best if we don't interact anymore. I gave you and opportunity to come clean about Jose and you chose not 2. Return all my belongings and I will do the same.
Love: If that's the way you feel....
Me: You could have been honest... I mean I gave you 4 yrs of my life
Love: I didn't want to hurt you
Phone call
Me: What the fuck you mean you didn't want to hurt me. Lying about wanting to go to Miami and not take me and then manipulating me for the past 2 months telling me that I'm paranoid and blowing shit up, when you down there fucking some queen.
Love: I fucked up ok, but don't act like you aint ever cheat on me. Be real Bristol, you know and I know.
Me: What the fuck are you talking about? I have given you so much, looked out for you before I looked out for my myself or anyone else, taken care of your every want and need, sacrificed for you and been there for everything. The same thing you told me last night about the reason you love me and see me in your life forever. It's just that when you talk about me being in your life or you needing to move back to Atlanta, its not to be with me as I had assumed.
Love: I do love you and I do see you being in my life forever, but I just don't know where I am right now.
After this it turns into an hour conversation til like 1 in the morning where we basically revisit every fucked up move each other has made, the feelings that we were going through, the communication that should have occured while we were together that probably could have prevented this.
I admitted what he already knew, which was that I had sex with someone else... oral a little less than a year ago. I explained that it was the feelings I was having and thinking that he was cheating on me since he didn't come home some nights and he had all these random boys in his phone. Love thinks that the blowjob I gave is so much worse that the blowjob he got and ass he fucked, but go figure - that's a man for ya.
I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep all night and boy was I right. Not a drop of sleep at all. Love is coming to Atlanta this weekend to return my things and asked if he could stay at my house. We spoke about it and we agreed that we have somethings in common that we have said throughout our relationship.
The end of Bristol and Love
Text Messages
Me: I think its best if we don't interact anymore. I gave you and opportunity to come clean about Jose and you chose not 2. Return all my belongings and I will do the same.
Love: If that's the way you feel....
Me: You could have been honest... I mean I gave you 4 yrs of my life
Love: I didn't want to hurt you
Phone call
Me: What the fuck you mean you didn't want to hurt me. Lying about wanting to go to Miami and not take me and then manipulating me for the past 2 months telling me that I'm paranoid and blowing shit up, when you down there fucking some queen.
Love: I fucked up ok, but don't act like you aint ever cheat on me. Be real Bristol, you know and I know.
Me: What the fuck are you talking about? I have given you so much, looked out for you before I looked out for my myself or anyone else, taken care of your every want and need, sacrificed for you and been there for everything. The same thing you told me last night about the reason you love me and see me in your life forever. It's just that when you talk about me being in your life or you needing to move back to Atlanta, its not to be with me as I had assumed.
Love: I do love you and I do see you being in my life forever, but I just don't know where I am right now.
After this it turns into an hour conversation til like 1 in the morning where we basically revisit every fucked up move each other has made, the feelings that we were going through, the communication that should have occured while we were together that probably could have prevented this.
I admitted what he already knew, which was that I had sex with someone else... oral a little less than a year ago. I explained that it was the feelings I was having and thinking that he was cheating on me since he didn't come home some nights and he had all these random boys in his phone. Love thinks that the blowjob I gave is so much worse that the blowjob he got and ass he fucked, but go figure - that's a man for ya.
I knew I wasn't going to be able to sleep all night and boy was I right. Not a drop of sleep at all. Love is coming to Atlanta this weekend to return my things and asked if he could stay at my house. We spoke about it and we agreed that we have somethings in common that we have said throughout our relationship.
- This will be the last relationship for either of us
- The other will always have a place to stay and bed to sleep in no matter what is going on in the other person's life
- We still love each other
I thought about going and hanging out or drinking my night away, but all I did was lay there and cry.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
This Motherfucker
OK ... so for some time now everyone knows that Love and I have been having issues. His thing is that "when it's good, it's really good. when it's bad, it's really bad." Understandable, but the "BAD" is because he is one of the sneakiest motherfuckers I have ever met! And you can call me fucking Angela Landsbury, cause imma figure shit out sooner or later, TRUST!
So I been real stressed at work, got a birthday coming up,going back to school in a couple of weeks, and i'm dealing with the loss of this relationship. Normally I would just go out and pull the hottest yellow man I can find and lose myself in someone new, but my dumb ass is still holding out hope that things will work out. That reminds me that I have to post this description that a friend forwarded to me about LEO's some time ago. It was so true about my personality and how I deal with people.
Anyway Love went to Miami for pride on Memorial Day weekend. We didn't speak at all b/c he decided to go with a group of people and excluded me. It wouldn't have been a problem if not the previous year when all his friends flaked on him, I had to plead with my friends to allow him to come and stay with us or just get a room with him. I mean he is my man so how could I just leave him. Well the same doesn't go for this bitch right here... my ass was dropped faster than you can say "how you doin?"
While there he meets what he will later call "someone he hasn't seen in a while". Now i've know about this for some time. See I am on the Atlanta club scene, gay and straight. I know all the promoters (even dated a few), know mostly all the bartenders (even dated a few), and generally interact with most people. So everyone knows that he and I are together and they will spill T. I mean my girls will hit me up as the shit is going down. So I was already pissed b/c I was stuck in Atlanta and this motherfucker is down there getting life from the boys. I hold it in and didn't say anything. I didn't call him either... the whole time he was there. What the fuck was I going to say... um "I hope you are having a great time on the trip that you didn't think to take me on.... or any fucking trip that your selfish ass has planned for you "partner" or 4 years."
So last night I cancelled dinner with my friends and just chilled at home until he called:
Me: Hey
Love: Wassup
Me: I need to ask you some questions and I need your complete honesty. I mean I think I at least deserve that after 4 yrs. and this "friendship" that you would like to develop
Love: uuummmm ok
Me: Are you seeing anyone else, like dating or getting anyone's number or hanging out with anyone?
(I'm waiting for the lie at this point b/c I know that he won't admit anything unless he has an inclination that I know something. The fact that I brought this up out of the blue tells him that I know something)
Love: Wellllll no. I mean, uuuummmmm.... I met someone I use to know while I was in Miami but I not.... Bristol, i'm not talking to anyone, dating anyone, or trying to get to know anyone. Why did you meet someone else?
Me: Really... No, I havn't met anyone... back to this Miami business. I don't understand how you seem to be meeting all these people that are "old" friends when I am never around and I never see you hanging with them or talking to them when i'm around and none of your current friends (of the last 7 yrs in atlanta) seem to know them. It just seems strange and unbelievable to me.
Love: Well its the truth.
Me: The thing is for me to be friends with you, I at least need to know that you were not cheating on me while we were together (which will always be an unknown with him) and to know that honesty is the first thing I expect from a friend.
Love: Bristol, I love you and I wish that things were different but there are issues right now and I just can't... I have a headache
So at this point I just sit the phone down... for Love a "headache" means that the conversation is over and he is going to have a cigarette. I already know this and nothing said past this point is even going to register so why the fuck even try. We literally sit there with the phone on speaker for the next 30 mins. not saying anything to each other and finally I tell him that its obvious that
Me: I just need to let this die and focus my attention on someone that is actually looking for the same things as me. Someone that I can trust will be there til the end and I can be secure in and with.
Love: I need to get my ass a job and get back to Atlanta.
Me: You do that and I will continue to do what I can to help you out. (When I think about all the time and energy spent on trying to do and help someone who will stab you in the back and lie to your face.)
Love: Goodnight... I love you
Me: I love you
Hangup... I just let out a fucking scream... shed the tears that needed to come. A couple of mins later my friend hit me up with a text about his homeboy that tried to talk to me at the club this past weekend. I probably won't go out on a date with him cause it's too soon and no one should have to deal with me in this state right now.
Moral of the story: When one door closes, another one opens. Its up to you open that new door.
So I been real stressed at work, got a birthday coming up,going back to school in a couple of weeks, and i'm dealing with the loss of this relationship. Normally I would just go out and pull the hottest yellow man I can find and lose myself in someone new, but my dumb ass is still holding out hope that things will work out. That reminds me that I have to post this description that a friend forwarded to me about LEO's some time ago. It was so true about my personality and how I deal with people.
Anyway Love went to Miami for pride on Memorial Day weekend. We didn't speak at all b/c he decided to go with a group of people and excluded me. It wouldn't have been a problem if not the previous year when all his friends flaked on him, I had to plead with my friends to allow him to come and stay with us or just get a room with him. I mean he is my man so how could I just leave him. Well the same doesn't go for this bitch right here... my ass was dropped faster than you can say "how you doin?"
While there he meets what he will later call "someone he hasn't seen in a while". Now i've know about this for some time. See I am on the Atlanta club scene, gay and straight. I know all the promoters (even dated a few), know mostly all the bartenders (even dated a few), and generally interact with most people. So everyone knows that he and I are together and they will spill T. I mean my girls will hit me up as the shit is going down. So I was already pissed b/c I was stuck in Atlanta and this motherfucker is down there getting life from the boys. I hold it in and didn't say anything. I didn't call him either... the whole time he was there. What the fuck was I going to say... um "I hope you are having a great time on the trip that you didn't think to take me on.... or any fucking trip that your selfish ass has planned for you "partner" or 4 years."
So last night I cancelled dinner with my friends and just chilled at home until he called:
Me: Hey
Love: Wassup
Me: I need to ask you some questions and I need your complete honesty. I mean I think I at least deserve that after 4 yrs. and this "friendship" that you would like to develop
Love: uuummmm ok
Me: Are you seeing anyone else, like dating or getting anyone's number or hanging out with anyone?
(I'm waiting for the lie at this point b/c I know that he won't admit anything unless he has an inclination that I know something. The fact that I brought this up out of the blue tells him that I know something)
Love: Wellllll no. I mean, uuuummmmm.... I met someone I use to know while I was in Miami but I not.... Bristol, i'm not talking to anyone, dating anyone, or trying to get to know anyone. Why did you meet someone else?
Me: Really... No, I havn't met anyone... back to this Miami business. I don't understand how you seem to be meeting all these people that are "old" friends when I am never around and I never see you hanging with them or talking to them when i'm around and none of your current friends (of the last 7 yrs in atlanta) seem to know them. It just seems strange and unbelievable to me.
Love: Well its the truth.
Me: The thing is for me to be friends with you, I at least need to know that you were not cheating on me while we were together (which will always be an unknown with him) and to know that honesty is the first thing I expect from a friend.
Love: Bristol, I love you and I wish that things were different but there are issues right now and I just can't... I have a headache
So at this point I just sit the phone down... for Love a "headache" means that the conversation is over and he is going to have a cigarette. I already know this and nothing said past this point is even going to register so why the fuck even try. We literally sit there with the phone on speaker for the next 30 mins. not saying anything to each other and finally I tell him that its obvious that
Me: I just need to let this die and focus my attention on someone that is actually looking for the same things as me. Someone that I can trust will be there til the end and I can be secure in and with.
Love: I need to get my ass a job and get back to Atlanta.
Me: You do that and I will continue to do what I can to help you out. (When I think about all the time and energy spent on trying to do and help someone who will stab you in the back and lie to your face.)
Love: Goodnight... I love you
Me: I love you
Hangup... I just let out a fucking scream... shed the tears that needed to come. A couple of mins later my friend hit me up with a text about his homeboy that tried to talk to me at the club this past weekend. I probably won't go out on a date with him cause it's too soon and no one should have to deal with me in this state right now.
Moral of the story: When one door closes, another one opens. Its up to you open that new door.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Best I Ever Had
Baby you my everything you all i ever wanted.
We can do it real big.
Bigger then you ever done it.
You be up on everything.
Other hoes ain't never on it.
I want this forever, i swear i can spend whatever on it.
Cause she hold me down everytime i hit her up.
When i get right i promise that we gon live it up.
She make me beg for it till she give it up.
And I say the same thing every single time.
I say you the fucking best.
You the fucking best.
You the fucking best.
You the fucking best.
You the best i ever had.
Best I ever had.
Best I ever had.
Best I ever had.
So after work yesterday I hit Tiny up to see if he wanted to hang out. Tiny is one of Love's good friends and someone who is really cool to hang out with. For some reason I feel like we have some things in common and he is at a point in life professionally where I aspire to be soon. We were supposed to go to STEEL and have kettle one cocktails, but with my friends nothing ever goes as planned. Me, Tiny, Mel, and Sis all ended up at my barbershop cause Tiny and Sis need touchups before we went out. A bottle of Canadian Mist and two 40's later we all decided to hit up Bulldogs. Now everyone knows that I really don't do Bulldogs to well, but honestly it wasn't that bad. Tiny and I begin to talk about why him and his ex/current/sometimey boyfriend don't still live together. It gave me alot of insight to the issues that my ex/friend/LOVE currently have. The issues are totally the opposite, but I realize how easy it is for gay relationships to fall apart when communication and understanding can easily keep them together. Of course I called Love to see what he was up to and he was in the bed so I just told him I loved him and I would talk to him later. Love is the Best I Ever Had.
We can do it real big.
Bigger then you ever done it.
You be up on everything.
Other hoes ain't never on it.
I want this forever, i swear i can spend whatever on it.
Cause she hold me down everytime i hit her up.
When i get right i promise that we gon live it up.
She make me beg for it till she give it up.
And I say the same thing every single time.
I say you the fucking best.
You the fucking best.
You the fucking best.
You the fucking best.
You the best i ever had.
Best I ever had.
Best I ever had.
Best I ever had.
So after work yesterday I hit Tiny up to see if he wanted to hang out. Tiny is one of Love's good friends and someone who is really cool to hang out with. For some reason I feel like we have some things in common and he is at a point in life professionally where I aspire to be soon. We were supposed to go to STEEL and have kettle one cocktails, but with my friends nothing ever goes as planned. Me, Tiny, Mel, and Sis all ended up at my barbershop cause Tiny and Sis need touchups before we went out. A bottle of Canadian Mist and two 40's later we all decided to hit up Bulldogs. Now everyone knows that I really don't do Bulldogs to well, but honestly it wasn't that bad. Tiny and I begin to talk about why him and his ex/current/sometimey boyfriend don't still live together. It gave me alot of insight to the issues that my ex/friend/LOVE currently have. The issues are totally the opposite, but I realize how easy it is for gay relationships to fall apart when communication and understanding can easily keep them together. Of course I called Love to see what he was up to and he was in the bed so I just told him I loved him and I would talk to him later. Love is the Best I Ever Had.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Day 1
Day 1 of being single again that is! So I would be lying if I didn't say that I didn't see this coming, but when a person tells you that they will be with you forever and you are the one they want to spend the rest of their life with then aren't you supposed to believe them? We had problems, but who doesn't especially when you commit to "making it work no matter what". I've heard it before, but I thought this time was different.... well it is kinda different. 4 long ass years and all I get is I still love you, I still like you, I never said that we wouldn't be together in the future. Oh yeah and I still have a key to your house and its not really any of our friends business whats going on, but we still "act" like a couple while we hang with them. His name is LOVE. See I met LOVE late spring of 05. I had just left college and moved to ATL and this was my first night out.
Now my BFF PJ had already graduated a year before me and I was all alone at school for the past year. And I was just coming out of a 3 year relationship with the person I thought I would always be with. Don't worry, I will get to this character later on. I needed a weekend out to pick me up and my boy was down to hang out.
PJ and I went to the club and it wasn't doing anything for me. So I go to the bar and start my cocktails to put me in a better mood. The music is hot so I start dancing in the mirror by myself and this handsome yellow man comes up behind me. Well that was the first time we met and it was everything.
When I think back about everything that we have been through... exes, fights, loss and life... to know that he is not "mine" anymore is killing me slowly. LOVE text me and said that he didn't know if he was doing the right thing by me and he feels sad.... what should I say. I told him to live his life for him and I will do the same. Trying to be a better person and not so hard, but its tough. I feel so weak right now and my usual response it to lash out and talk about his immaturity when my anger shows my true immaturity. I have this hard exterior that I hate, but developed from an absentee father, mother with drug issues in my childhood, and feeling like I had to always been the strong one. Well back to work for me. LOVE ain't paying no bills and looks like Bristol has to step it up.
Now my BFF PJ had already graduated a year before me and I was all alone at school for the past year. And I was just coming out of a 3 year relationship with the person I thought I would always be with. Don't worry, I will get to this character later on. I needed a weekend out to pick me up and my boy was down to hang out.
PJ and I went to the club and it wasn't doing anything for me. So I go to the bar and start my cocktails to put me in a better mood. The music is hot so I start dancing in the mirror by myself and this handsome yellow man comes up behind me. Well that was the first time we met and it was everything.
When I think back about everything that we have been through... exes, fights, loss and life... to know that he is not "mine" anymore is killing me slowly. LOVE text me and said that he didn't know if he was doing the right thing by me and he feels sad.... what should I say. I told him to live his life for him and I will do the same. Trying to be a better person and not so hard, but its tough. I feel so weak right now and my usual response it to lash out and talk about his immaturity when my anger shows my true immaturity. I have this hard exterior that I hate, but developed from an absentee father, mother with drug issues in my childhood, and feeling like I had to always been the strong one. Well back to work for me. LOVE ain't paying no bills and looks like Bristol has to step it up.
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